Tuesday, January 10, 2006


One of the things that defines my life the most is my polyamorous lifestyle. While the term polyamory is only 20 or so years old, I've been polyamorous almost my whole adult life. Which is way more than 20 years.

Even before I made a conscious choice to by poly, life's lessons were such that it seemed the natural state of affairs for me. An early boyfriend who I adored quit coming to see me because I "somothered" him (in the words of one of his friends). That taught me a lessen about jealousy and possessiveness that stayed with me for all these years.

My first bisexual and poly experience was when I was 18 with a young couple, Connie and Richard (I can't believe I still remember their names) who had an "open marriage" (the term of the 70's for poly). Yes, I was a hot-bi-babe. The funny thing about that encounter was that I hated it. At least I hated my experience with her and was sure I was not bisexual. That was until I met my next girlfriend three years later.

Sandy showed up at the door one day of my boyfriend's house while I was visiting. Another Richard, come to think of it. I was married to Michael at the time and we had an "agreement" so I saw Richard from time to time and knew all about Sandy and Julie (his other girlfriend. Someday I'll tell you the story of Julie). So, when Sandy showed up (cute and 17) Richard of course saw an opportunity and suggested we all crawl in the sack together and being the adventurous hippie chick that I was, I complied. The funny thing was that while we were giving him double head, we kissed and then everything changed. It was if Richard no longer existed. Just Sandy and I. I was smitten. Nothing in my life had ever been so good. Richard on the other hand was not so thrilled with the "hot bi babe action" since none of it was directed toward him. I faintly remember him saying "girls, girls, what about me?" We ignored him.

And in between Sandy and Connie there was my first two men and me escapade with Tom and Dick (no Harry, darn it). I had this boyfriend, Dick; well; actually I had a lot of boyfriends. Anyhow, Dick lived next door and we fucked and had fun from time to time. One night his friend, Tom needed a place to crash and Dick offered the couch. Tom folded his 6' 5" self onto Dick's barely 6 foot couch and Dick and I went to bed. Later, we were laying in post-coital bliss in his huge waterbed (Remember it was the 70's and waterbeds were cool) and I started feeling sorry for Tom on the couch, so I casually mentioned there was room for Tom. Dick looked at me kind of funny and then jumped out of bed and went into the living room, returning with a rather nervous looking friend in tow. They both climbed in bed, me in the middle and the three of us lay there straight, stiff and not touching. It was very uncomfortable and was beginning to look like a night of no sleep and no fun. When suddenly, Dick reached across my chest, grabbed Tom's hand and placed it on my right breast. "What's mine is yours" and then we had a night of no sleep, but lots of fun. I do remember that the two guys, who were probably 19 or so, became quite adept at not touching each other in any way if it could be avoided. It was very silly but quite exciting.

My point with sharing the above is that my life early on became one of sharing and open relationships. Of course, it was a time of free love and birth control and the only STDs we worried about could be cleared up with a shot of penicillin. It just all seemed so natural. All my marriages have been open to some degree and while I did occasionally try to have a monogamous relationship it never worked. And, since I abhor cheating, I had to create relationships that were open and honest or I had to leave.

I won't bore you with all the details leading up to the present, but needless to say it wasn't always easy and sometimes it was down right excruciating, but in the long run, it was and continues to be the most satisfying lifestyle I could imagine.

Let me tell you about my poly family. Since I'm also into BDSM, my relationships don't always have a traditional sexual nature, but that all are very intimate and close. I am the member of a triad family, with Jim and Jennifer. I have a wonderful bottom, my boy Alex. There is a married couple in my life, Brendon and JuJu who I adore so much and who make me very, very happy when we are together (who also make really wonderful canes). I have other amazing people who I either bottom to or top or just have sex with from time to time. And, although it sounds maybe a bit trite, I love them all. Most of them have partners who are part of my life in some way or another, either also sex and play partners or just great friends and many of them are connected with each other. I lovingly call this my poly molecule. The term seems to fit us all very well.

Why do poly? Lots of reasons. I used to try to explain my poly to non-poly friends by talking about my heart. It's very big and there's lots of room and one person just doesn't fill it up. I feel empty when I only have one relationship. There are more opportunities for intimacy and that's very important to me. I'm a BDSM switch, so there's another reason to be poly. Being bisexual means that not doing poly leaves a part of me wanting and I don't like that. Alex and I were talking the other day about the poly vs non-poly and one thing that we realized is that if you're not poly and single you are usually always going through life thinking "is this the one?" And when it isn't "the one" you feel cheated or that you've wasted your time. No matter how wonderful a time you had up then. Being poly means that you don't need to feel cheated when a relationship morphs into something else. It doesn't mean that you don't feel sad or have regrets, changing relationships hurts. Notice I didn't say ending but used the word changing. I truly don't feel that relationships ever truly end; they just change into something else. My ex-husband, Steve and I are no longer married, but we still love each other very much and have a commitment to each other that will always be there.

It's getting late and I'm starting to ramble so I'm going to close. I hope that this post allows you to know a little bit more about me.


Friday, January 06, 2006

My First Real Post: Are we "all One?"

I actually thought that when I got ready to write my first real post it would be about sex and what I'm all about, which is sexual transformation. It may end up being so, but right now that's not what's really on my mind.

I just got back from the movies with one of my dearest friends, Damen. Damen and I got to movies, plays, concerts, Las Vegas and do all kinds of fun things together. He's one of my best friends in the world. Anyway, I digress. The movie we went to was "One, The Movie" An amazingly complex but also simple film. It asks a lot of questions of a lot of people. Well-known enlightened people like Deepak Chopra, Llewellyn Vaughan-Lee, Ram Dass, Thich Nhat Hahn and Robert Thurman (to just name a few) and lesser known and unknown people that the film producers met on their journey, including one of the more profound, a young homeless boy named Chris Willis. Some of the questions they asked were: What happens to you after you die? Describe God. What is the meaning of life? What is your one wish for the world? Are we "all one"?

It's the last question that really touched and moved me. I came away from the film with a sense of sadness and grief and the realization that we are all One. You may think that realizing we are "one" would be a cause for celebration not sadness. But the reality is, if I truly believe this (and I do) then I'm not only one with those that I love and admire, but also those that I fear and despise. Those that would harm me and that hate all that I stand for as much as I hate what they stand for. The thought of being one with someone like, George Bush for example shakes me. And it means that I must deal with the world around me with love and compassion because that is how I strive to deal with those who I care for and how I want to be dealt with. Knowing that we are all one gives me a huge responsibility about how I walk in this world; how I accomplish the work that I have set out to do.

I'm a sex activist and a transformer. I am the possibility of transformation of humanity in the world of sexuality. I realize that I can't "fight" for transformation, but that I must "love" for transformation. (hey, I brought this around to sex after all). While I am not perfect and I know that I will at times be tempted to fight and argue and come from a place of self-righteousness and anger, I promise that when I get there or when someone tells me that I'm there, I'll get off it. Immediately. My stand is one of love and sex and fun and joy and pleasure. I hope that through this blog I can take you there, along with me. On my journey toward being "One".